One of the things I hear most often are people talking about how their break up is extra painful because they didn’t get the closure that they needed from the person that broke up with them.
For example if the person didn’t give you super specific reasons for ending the relationship, if they were vague and just said that they didn’t feel like it was working out. Or if the person went from seeming like they were totally in love with you to the next day wanting to end things without a lot of explanation why. There are many ways a relationship to end without a full satisfactory level of “closure”.
The lengths that people go to get the closure they want after a relationship ends will extend or delay the pain, will make the break up much more messy, and will overall do harm to both parties involved.
Here are some examples as to how someone might go out and seek closure in an unhealthy way:
Reaching out and asking if you guys can get together to talk things through
Continuously texting them asking them questions about the relationship
Telling them it’s unfair that you need closure
The goal during a break up is to do the “no contact rule” so as you can see you seeking closure is definitely not living by that.
The Truth About Closure
The reality of the closure you’re seeking is that it’s not really the closure you’re seeking. Stay with me for a minute. I’m sure there are people out there who want to know exactly why a relationship ended so they can learn how to do better in future relationships and really just want feedback for self-reflection and self-improvement.
HOWEVER, most people want closure not for that reason, most people want to know exactly why a relationship ended so they can then convince the other person how they can change themselves so they can fix everything the other person thought was wrong. Most of the time we want that specific closure so we can then manipulate the situation to end in our favor instead of us getting dumped.
So looking at it from that angle, the reason we want the closure is just selfish so we can change the outcome. And the fact of the matter is, the other person doesn’t owe us that. You need to allow the other person to speak their truth, no matter how much or how little they want to disclose. Yes it’s going to hurt, but break ups are supposed to hurt.
Another point to add in is it that the person might not want to get into the nitty gritty of the reasons for a break up because they don’t want to hurt you. If they maybe started to like someone else, you don’t need to know that. It will only add pain. If you go searching for answers you may be even more devastated by what you find.
How we can make our own closure
Closure happens right when a break up happens. If you feel like there are a lot of loose ends, that’s how a break up always feels. All of a sudden someone who was super important to you is all of a sudden gone so you’re going to feel super off. Once it’s clear the relationship is over, instead of dragging it out start your healing process immediately. You don’t want to be with someone who you need to argue with to stay with you. Go out there and do your healing and claim your life back as a single person.
The best closure you can get is creating your own.